I’m a dead girl walking

I’m a dead girl walking.(ch 1)
Two years ago cancer had taken refuge throughout my body, seeking to take it over.
The scan read TERMINAL, like a red eviction letter stapled on a front door.
They said I had 3 months left in this body, until the cancer evicted me permanently.

Im a dead girl walking.(ch 2)
My throat closed in tight, my breath suspended in a moment of processing. I saw the duration of my 31 years of life flash before me.
I prayed.
But, I did not pray for God to take away the cancer.
I did not pray to continue to live here on earth painless.
I prayed for my suffering to be useful and meaningful for the kingdom of heaven.

I’m a dead girl walking.(ch 3)
As the cancer broke through my spine and consumed my liver,
the weight of my diagnosis felt lighter.
With each stride, the distance to heaven lessened.
I could feel Him on me.
Not the grim reaper, but the Holy Savior.
This diagnosis was His favor over my life.
I no longer wrestled with an insecure sense of self, my “self” became irrelevant.
I no longer grieved the loss of my physical features that the illness stole.
I no longer desired things of this world.
I accessed new levels to my healing.
As a new piece of me died, a new Holy piece of Jesus emerged.
By His stripes, I had been healed.

I’m a dead girl walking. (ch 4)
But, I was dead long before the terminal cancer.
I was born into this world as a slave to my sin before my mouth could utter a word.
Liberated by salvation,
That old self has been crucified with Christ.
Restored to God’s original plan, through Christ who now lives inside every fiber of my being.
My new life is centered on faith in the Son of God, who loved me so fiercely, He gave His earthly life up for an eternity with me.
So why would I live FOR this world, when I could live FOR heaven?

I’m a dead girl walking. (ch 5)
I am not my own anymore.
For I know the only reason I’m still here in this world is to be useful to His kingdom.
I am now a mere mouthpiece of the Great Author, left here on earth to spread the Gospel of Jesus.
I am here to serve Christ over serving myself.
So as I continue to walk here on earth, I must continue to die.

I’m a dead girl walking. (ch 6)
Only now, that 3 month estimation of life here on earth, has evolved into two years.
He chose to heal my earthly body from every speck of cancer.
I believe He healed my body on the scan machine, around the day the doctors estimated I would die.
That day I repented for changing my focus from the Savior to focusing on myself and my circumstances.
I ended my prayer on the machine with a sarcastic wager to Christ.
I waged that if He were willing to give me another chance of being useful here on earth, I might be willing to stay a little longer to help share the magnitude of His resurrection power that lives in me and every other follower of Christ Jesus.

I am a dead girl walking. (ch 7)
Who is learning that healing is not a punchline, or fad that resides under big tents.
It’s not a one size fits all temporary solution, according to what we desire.
True healing starts at the cross.
God healed the fallen world of sin by sacrificing His only son in a brutal death.
Healing is not for the “quick-fix” fearful souls.
It requires faith, and a willingness to surrender being Lord of your own life and placing that crown back on the rightful throne of Jesus.
The true healing we all long for
awaits us in heaven, where there will be no more pain, sickness, disease, suffering, or death.

I’m a dead girl… still walking. (ch 8)
Who seeks to choose Jesus over self.
Who sees that suffering is an opportunity for God to teach me a new way to view healing and His love.
Who understands that in my weakness, He is made strong!
Who now sings praises for the mountain and the valley moments!
Who finds her hope in the God who turns water into wine, shame into glory, and loss into eternally abundant life!